i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Randomize
