I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
