Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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