He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
