I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
the raccoons are back...
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