she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
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