The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
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WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
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The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.