My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
