She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
