Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize
