I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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