I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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