Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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