just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
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we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
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STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize