She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
