And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
