im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
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