Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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