On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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