I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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