shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
