just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
