wrigley field is MILF paradise
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
