Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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