I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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