I just threw up on my dentist
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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