can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Randomize
