Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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