I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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