Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
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