remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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