he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
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I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
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STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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