i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
