The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
