the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
