Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
