i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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