my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
