Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
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I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
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Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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