guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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