Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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