i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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