You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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