i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
this boner is exhausting
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
