I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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