I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
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