I just pynch a tree in the face
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
