Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
i am craving dick and cupcakes
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
