im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Randomize
