I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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