My balls are so social today.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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