Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
17 year olds will be the death of me.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
dude. I can hear the air.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
