Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
