Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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