Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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