I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Randomize
