i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
