Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
