i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
